wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
