Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
