i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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