Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
