Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
