my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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