so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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