Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
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Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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