she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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