i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
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