I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
People in love make me want to vomit
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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