How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Randomize
