You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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