and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
