a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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