Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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