I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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