somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
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The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
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ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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