just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
