i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
