I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
