In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
