I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
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Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
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I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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