Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
