these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
