it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
