Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
My vagina is officially offended.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
