My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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