look no pants
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
