my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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