Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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