I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
