thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
