Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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