Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
