so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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