I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
