The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
