dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
