You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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