The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
