Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
