dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
