Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
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