When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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