In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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