Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
