I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
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He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
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Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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