is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
