time to smoke my breakfast
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
