i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Randomize
