Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
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