I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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