I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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