dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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