Swine flu. Run for my life!
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
