today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
ttyl tear gas
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
