I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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