so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
