Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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