the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
your like the ambassador to my penis.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Two words: blizzard sex
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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