hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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